In my new dream

yearone @ 2009-08-17T01:27:00

2009-08-17T05:28:45Z

Maybe you'll see this, maybe you won't.

Thank you, for being yourself again, for loving me, for letting me love you, for being caring and kind and understanding, for treating me with respect, for tiring me out with a great day so that I may be able to sleep through my nerves. I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

yearone @ 2009-08-13T04:19:00

2009-08-13T08:33:20Z

I wish I could sleep at night. I wish you wouldn't yell at me so easily. I wish bunches of golden, ripe bananas would appear out of thin air at 4:23AM for me to eat. I wish you would come back. I wish I had more time.

I sometimes wonder why I care.

yearone @ 2009-08-12T05:38:00

2009-08-12T09:53:38Z

I hate asthma like nothing else. I love soymilk. I hate my sleep schedule. I love jasmine green tea. I hate feeling inadequate. I love green tea vitamin water. Seeing a pattern here?

I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable in love. I never thought it was possible to be myself and have someone want to stick around. Thank God for my tits.

I cleaned my room and found some memories, and my Trazodone. Not sure which made me happier.

I think I am sleeping with ants that keep biting me.

I'm going to sleep and beg my brain to dream of Evanston.

yearone @ 2009-08-05T23:06:00

2009-08-06T03:07:30Z

Every body wake up! It's time to get down.

yearone @ 2009-05-21T18:59:00

2009-05-21T22:59:36Z

Just got a 4.0
Going to Chicago
Got an overnight job.
Got A NASTY burn.

yearone @ 2009-02-10T02:14:00

2009-02-10T07:15:38Z

Though I was young and incurably naive
looking back I can clearly see
that while we stood in the kitchen
and I asked if I could change my name to “Peaches”
I was your relief.

He was horrible graffiti thrown on walls the sun never touches
a memory only someone else can
(not even fully) erase
because the buff marks are painful reminders

You were painfully thin and I was weightless then
when, the glossy white linoleum floor was
spotted with soft dimples.

His darker, fuller mustache sat atop the mouth
that screamed marital blasphemy
if there’s such a thing
as he backed you into corners

where the cabinets were sharp cornered
but smoothed
by varnish
by thick glaze.

Where I sat next to the trash
my young and struggling limbs
my mouth begging to change my name

Eating dinner at the table where
the chairs leave me with an ugly imprint
of the coarse blue fabric
and puffy, reddened skin.

and the glass sliding door that the sun
shone through, into the dining room
and kitchen.

I think that ugly imprint
and reddened skin has, and always will
stay with my knees,

because

the common theme, for me, at least
seems as though it will always be
stilled and sloshed anxiety.

At the age of slightly more than three
I just couldn’t see
why you wouldn’t let me change my name to “Peaches”
because mom I’d have promised you
I’d still be your relief.

˙punoɟ ǝq oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇ,uop oɥʍ sʇuıɐs ǝɥʇ

2008-12-18T15:55:01Z

˙sǝuoɹp ƃuıʌoɹ ǝɥʇ puɐ sǝʇıllǝʇɐs ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ
'ɥʇɹɐǝ uo ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ǝǝs ʇ,uɐɔ ʎǝɥʇ
˙ǝɯoɔ ɯopƃuıʞ ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ƃuıpıɥ ɯ,ı
'ǝɯoɥ ǝq ʇ,uoʍ ı ǝɯ llɐɔ noʎ ɟı

J+J L

2008-12-17T15:56:27Z

New old friends take so, so much time.
I'm not sure I want to stay in one place long enough to make new old friends.

I need to leave so badly, and yet, it's so difficult to make up my mind.

yearone @ 2008-10-23T03:41:00

2008-10-23T07:41:50Z

Kid.

yearone @ 2008-09-06T13:00:00

2008-09-06T17:26:13Z

It's just like you said it would be. I already know.

Details and time frames, and time spans are slipping and it's finally starting to go away. But everything else seems to be going away now too, and I don't understand. Except for one thing. Just one.

Strangely new and yet nothing has really changed at all. I can barely sleep but this is a different kind of I can't sleep.

The inevitable, inconsistent, infinite, in-between.

But the world is starting to smell the way it did a year ago. Meaning, I think I may have another bacterial infection in my sinuses.

Yesterday my father called and told me his close friend died (finally - horrible and slowly,) and it made me really sad.

Then my mother called later and left me a voice-mail saying that my once alcoholic grandmother is drinking again and that she is very sick. I cried for about 30 seconds then stopped and said "well...can't do anything really."

I kind of feel like I'm losing some of my completely imagined control, and I am a little scared of death lately. Maybe not even death, just something.

I feel incredibly pacified and unable to remember why I am so angry about the things I am usually so angry about.

I am not happy, I am not sad, and I am not angry. I am just, drifting, I suppose.

Peculiar.

yearone @ 2008-08-21T10:40:00

2008-08-21T14:41:20Z

I just got home from the hospital. They made me stay overnight. This has been the most painful experience of my life. I'm in so much pain.

yearone @ 2008-01-22T21:13:00

2008-01-23T02:14:27Z

I remember the day I met the most beautiful human being I have ever laid my eyes on. And all I remember from that day is him.

I leave...

2007-12-25T06:45:12Z

...my ghosts everywhere. ;)